Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
