so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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