i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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