I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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