How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
