one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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