I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
