okay pat passed out under dana's car
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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