you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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