The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
