Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
