i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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