Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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