I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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