matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
