he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
