I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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