Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
