I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
