I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
