The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
