whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize