i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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