you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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