so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
