Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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