he told me I talked like a deaf person
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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