Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
