May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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