It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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