remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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