yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
