u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
