He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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