Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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