i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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