Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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