Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Sober January is a disaster.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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