@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
