i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
