My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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