D3 body, D1 cock
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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