I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
