I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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