I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Drake has all the answers
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
