I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
