yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
