Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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