Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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