i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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