and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I touched a dick in church today
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
