you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
