before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
