i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
