Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
