i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
