Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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