I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
